Evlyn Joe is going to be here any day now and I'm feeling the entire gamut of emotions. Both my heart and brain are bouncing around between excited, anxious, worried, grateful, sad, intimidated, you name it. Right now, in this moment, I just want her to get here so I can stop worrying about what life is going to look like and just be in it. It's about to get crazy, whether I'm ready or not, so I just wish I could squeeze the throttle.
For those that may not know me well enough yet, Evie will be Zak and I's second little love. Leona, the soon-to-be-best-big-sister-around is just about three and is the love of my life. That's where I hesitate squeezing said throttle and the sad comes in... And I know, I've heard it all, I don't have to worry about making room to love a second child because the heart just grows bigger. And I do believe it, I truly do. But knowing didn't stop the out-of-the-blue breakdown I had last week while Leona and I were minding our own business making silly fart noises and putting her pajamas on. Without warning we were rudely interrupted by my realization that within a few short weeks it was no longer going to be only her and I, immediately followed by uncontrollable tears, which then led to a two-year-old consoling her hormonal mother (she really does have one of the most beautiful souls). It took me a full 20-30 minutes to get myself together.
Thankfully, my time is more often spent feeling excited and oh so grateful. Grateful for a second baby. Grateful I get to work from and be at home with both my girls. Grateful this pregnancy is almost over. Grateful every time I check off another item on the before-baby-checklist (which keeps getting longer somehow). Excited to meet this second sweet soul we created. Excited to see Leona in a whole new light as and with a sibling. So excited, so very grateful.
So yes, gone are the days of just me and the lion; and it's sad, even heart-breaking at times. But this momma is ready. Ready for the promised heart-growing love and the inevitable chaos of our little family growing by one, and everything that is coming our way within the next week or two... (wishful thinking as my due date is technically the first of February...;) I've been doing great at telling myself when I'm in the thick of those first few super intense, stressed infused, newborn months that they will go by fast. I blinked and now Leona is almost three and before I know it, and if she's as lucky as I am, she will have a walking, talking best friend in the making.
Thank you so much for all the recent well wishes, and for reading what has turned into quite the therapeutic blog entry...